THE DOCTOR IS OUT

e-mail me if you have to.

Uwi ako Japan wahoo!

None too cryptic.

After Reading Siddhartha

This is me wanting to keep sane.

Me and my (prose-like) writing, which is always always unconsciously done. Sometimes it gets the worse of me and my objectivity which almost undeniably deconstructs itself into something abstract, like alloy convoluted to artistic nonesense, art being dismissed as nonsensical to one who does not understand or is unwilling to.

Yes, like me and my quest for knowledge--driving me to the cul de sac or some self-depricating proclamation of mine (going lalala in my cuckoo head), which by all means I shall label 'quarter-life crisis' (assuming I die at 80). And my brain soaking wet, aching from all saturation (which is all too masochistic anyway). Over used. Full to the brim and yet pitterpatter it goes, screaming 'what say uncle'?

Like this very moment. Though I do believe that sanity has something to do with a person's anatomical limitation. Maybe, insanity is an uncommon spiritual experience. The way ideas are one-sidedly expressed by words. Because words are amalgamations of letters and letters are nothing sort of literary, or sensual, or anything in that sense. (or something similar to what Hermann Hesse said) It is the idea that is the literary. And still it is a one-sided type thing.

Ooh!

Ha? So shall we say that music is less limiting? Than words... I think so... I shall research on that. (This is maybe why I got so interested in learning all too well something I can thoroughly manipulate, something that can be disciples to my ideas) (which are all too sordid and villanous, and parenthetical, and doesn't really amount to much)

So, to do something metaphysical... That is using more than 10% of your brain... If it be permitted to 18 year olds in the 21st century of consumer capitalism.

No this is something really... A sober effect of cleaning my room and wanting to do Zen Buddhism to fill up some adolescent emptiness (if that still applies). To regain what was lost, like how i seemed to sound wiser when I was in highschool still (with these highschool essays as evidence), much to my chagrin (including this) or something like it. Huhuhuh.

Wisdom sounds stupid in words really... now I get that Mr. Hesse...

The Raon Experience

It is non-sequitur that acquisition of profit is acquisition of capital and that profit as capital is solely for further exploitation of a working class (which in turn transforms the subject into bourgeois/ petty bourgeois). Because there exists a sector of 'working class capitalists' whose profits serve as their minimum wage. And this does not amount to much. And this does not amount to capital because it is not part of their objective, which is to simply find sustenance in order to exist for as long as there is minimal profit to abuse.

Sauntering along the majestic overpass of Quiapo, these things I have deduced while passing by proletarian capitalists (if the term suffices even paradoxically) who, sans rich, are simply filthy. Despite my notoriously virginal way of thinking, I still happen to find these street vendors rather filthy for their immoral display of supposedly censored products as if they were, alongside binoculars and children's toys and other commodities, are totally non-offensive. See what capitalism can do! If it weren't so necessary, I wouldn't even uphold Marxist ideologies, so as to say that I am quite content with my peaceful existence and I have petty ideologies of my own... which are guilty of being conservative.

But aside from the dildos greeting me left and right, I equally find, as I purchased a new instrument to preoccupy myself with, commerce in this side of the earth as disorienting. How, in the name of profit (or money simply put), can one easily persuade the seller to lower the price of his product without him effectively realizing that he is being dissuaded from acknowledging the true value of his work. Yes, degredation of price is degredation of worth(?) But the presence of price automatically makes a product worthless nonetheless. This has been to a point, my support for Marx's theory of alienation (which strongly accounts for my great aversion for art commodification). But some of these capitalists (only some, I pray, and their names shall not be mentioned) recognize these degredation, these alienation, and the purpose of their product being a product with nothing but monetary value; and to their advantage, create without the essence of quality for the benefit of the buyer, especially the buyers who are non-veteran in purchasing certain products that cater to certain interests. This is human sin in my opinion, as morality being subjective; still, this pragmatic way of businessing a non-pragmatic interest is insulting. Insulting in a sense that art can never be an insensitive business as art is overtly truthfull-- truthfullness being an antithetic, and also destructive, force to business.

Still it is rather insulting, really, to subject art to neo-liberal globalization. Art must never be subject to capitalism. Or lest art will never be art, or what is to replace art will always be ugly. And artists, therefore, should not be subject to wage labor(?) Or rather consider wage, no longer wage, as incentive(?) It is the fullness of art when "labor has become not only a means of life but of life's prime want", as Marx simply puts it.

*Yeeeessss, I am starting to become quite Marxist. And it's a pity I am still a fledgling to this school of thought, and thus have no ability to write this more objectively.

Dekano

Isang labletter

Naalala mo pa ba nung nagkape tayo?
Kundi mo lang ako pinapaaral hindi na ko magtatiyaga
Sinabi mong maglaylo ako dahil hindi mo kakayanin
Dahil hindi mo kayang mag-handle ng eskandalo
Lalung-lalo na sa asawa mo

Hindi ka ba nagtataka ang sipag kong humingi ng advice
Para sa thesis kong hindi naman mahusay
Walang madudulot na katinuan sa lipunan
Pero dahil natutuwa ka nakiki-ride nalang ako
Kahit nagtatalo na ang aking mga prinsipyo
At ang idealistic kong pagkataong matagal nang
Nilamon ng sistema kung saan ka napapabilang
Ngunit alam kong hindi kita maiiwasan
Dahil may sarili kang mga prinsipyong
Nakakaadik pakinggan
Kahit minsan hindi mo maiwasang matuwa sa asawa mo
Sabi mo matatanda na kayo
Pero ayos lang dahil mahalaga ang relasyon sa buhay
Mas mahalaga kaysa kaalaman, kaysa sining
But I beg to differ
Dahil hindi ka aahasin ng sining mo kaya mas secure
Pahalagahan ang mga bagay na ikaw mismo ang nagluwal
Entitled silang tumanaw ng utang na loob
At ang mga ideyolohiya mo ang kanilang pinaglilingkuran
Kaysa sa mga taong nasa tugatog ng kanilang buhay
Na hinding hindi mo mahatak para makibagay
Na kayang kaya kang paikutin
Ipahimod ang kanilang mga paa
Sa asong tulad ko at tulad mong di nag-aatubili
Dahil sa libog? Sa pag-ibig?
O dahil sa paniniwalang kaya ka nilang isalba
Mula sa lipunang lumalamon sa iyong pagkatao
Bilang pastor sayong naliligaw na tupa
Parang 21st century messiah
O dahil gusto mong napapailalim
Dahil masyado kang progresibo at bored sa mga tao
Nahihypnotize ka ng iilang nangmamaliit sayo
Pag-ibig bunga ng sobrang respeto
Napapasamba ang mga taong tulad mong hipokrita
Dahil jaded na ang mga prinsipyo mo
Nagdadahilan ka nalang
Tulad ng ganto

At sa inaraw-araw na kailangan mong pumasok at mabuhay
Umaasa sa taong hindi ka naman inaasahan
O maaaring inaasahan ka sa mga bagay na
Isang asong tulad mo lang ang may guts gumawa
Nang hindi nakukunsesya o nahihiya man lang
Wasak na wasak
San na ang dominatrix mong personality?
Na nakaintimidate ng napakaraming manliligaw
Na umakalang hindi ka magpapauto
Na umakalang hindi ka masisira ng romantikong pag-ibig
Na maraming nag-aakalang mas mahalaga kaysa
Pagiging philantrophic
Kawawa naman ang mundo kung gayon
Dahil miski ikaw, miski ako
Napapailalim sa manipulasyong dulot ng pag-ibig
Na parang lasong unti-unting pumapatay
Nang hindi mo namamalayan
Hanggang sa iregurgitate nalang ng katawan
Hanggang sa hindi mo na kayanin
At tutungo ka na sa inidoro
Ang pinatutunguhan ng lahat ng baho

At magdedecide na it's time to move on baby
Dahil masyado ka nang nasaktan
Nang hindi niya nalalaman
Dahil mahal daw niya ang asawa niya
At pantrip-trip ka lang pag trip niya
Dahil bata ka pa
At naniniwala siyang balang araw
Pasasayahin mo rin ang magiging asawa mo
Dahil isa kang babaeng sasambahin ng lahat ng tao
At maswerte nga naman ang magiging asawa mo sayo
Dahil ikaw ang tipong hindi pipiliing mag-asawa
Ano nga bang malay niya
Dahil habang sinasabi niya yan,
Tumatakbo sa isip mong siya ang gusto mong pakasalanan
At hindi kayo magkakaanak
Dahil nagpapalitan kayo ng kuro-kuro habang nagtatalik
At iyon naman ang gusto mo sa isang tao
Ang makapagtuturo sayo dahil hindi ka na natututo
Dahil tingin mo masyado ka nang maalam
Hanggang sa isang araw nagpaalipin ka na lang
At biglang nabobo o nadrug ang utak
Ng nakakaadik na pagpapaalipin din naman
At hindi na ikaw ang iyong sarili
At hindi na ang ama mo ang ama mong
Sigurado kang ikahihiya ang pagkatao mo
Ng walang pakundangan
(sic) ka-OC-hang ikaw rin ang may kasalanan
Redundant to exaggerate
Palusot-lusot ka nalang
Pero hindi mo na naisip
Hindi ka na nag-iisip
Hanggang sa mamulat ka't magsimulang pagnilayan
Kung pano mong kinakain ang sarili mong suka
Nakakadiri diba?

Pagbalik ko sa kapihan
Sisiguraduhin kong hindi mo na ko tuta
Hindi mo na ko chuchung pinapaaral
Hindi na kita didilaan sa tenga
Hindi na ko sunud-sunuran
Hindi mo na ko alipin
Dahil labis mo na kong sinaktan
Dahil hindi na kita mahal

Note: Para kay X. Binasa mo to kasi alam mo namang para sayo to e. Napapa-emo ako sayo. Luma-labletter. Makunsensiya ka naman ang kapal mo. Haha.

Break-up Period

Lahat ng tao ngayon nagbe-break.

Kasi minsan, hindi mo sinasadya nasasaktan mo na ang taong mahal mo. (shit ang senti) Pero applicable din naman to hindi lang sa context ng eros romantic love. Tulad nalang sa major ko, mahal ako ng major teacher ko. Hahahahaha. Problema mahal ko din naman siya. Pero, tulad ng lahat ng sawing pag-ibig, may outside factor, third party, third wheel-- na pwedeng nagtutunggaliang pwersa lang sa paligid, o kaya demonyong umaaligid, o kaya... basta sa kaso ko, eto yung pag-ibig vs pangarap scenario.

Sabi ko kay Lord, pag na-uno ko yung diagnostics ko, di na ko magshishift... Kasi milagrong mangyari yun... galing pa kong ICU... whadahell... nangyari nga ang mangyayari... uno.. flat... pero bat hindi ako masaya? Kasi masakit sa loob. Isang malaking opportunity cost. Kung mangyari man. At mahirap pa kong pakawalan. Hindi naman ata ako ile-let go ni teacher dahil parati niya kong pinepep talk. Pine-pep talk na hindi pa ba sapat na sign yun na huwag akong lumipat? Hindi ko alam to the point na nagdodoubt na ko sa kakayahan ko. Na baka manipulated sign yun and i don't deserve it.

Or maybe i do. And it's a huge trade-off.(?) ewan ko, nakakaiyak. hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay. Sana may magsabi sakin. Milagro.

Pero ang sabi nga nila... aanhin mo ang uno kung hindi ka naman masaya? E duh, masaya ako noh uno yun e! haha. Sa katunayan, kaya mo bang iquantify ang individuality ng isang tao? Hindi naman ganon ka-stable ang development para maging ganon ka-quantifiable. Ano ang uno? sa larangang ito, ano ang nais ipahiwatig ng uno? Isa ba itong subjective incentive base sa opinyon ng random combination ng panel mo at sa timpla ng panahon? pano kung icompute mo ang probable combination ng panel at base sa kanilang mga personality, ano ang chances na makakakuha ka ng uno? Gaano nga ba kapayak ang numerong uno para sabihing ito ang magdidikta ng desisyon mo sa buhay?

Minsan talaga, may mga taong sadya mong nasasaktan at masasaktan nang hindi sinasadya. At minsan sa proseso nasasaktan mo ang sarili mo. Lalo na kung madali kang makunsensya. Minsan kailangan mo lang ire-evaluate ang mga prinsipyo mo sa buhay. Minsan kailangan mo lang ng kausap. Minsan nga nangungulit ka pa e. Minsan lang talaga nasasaktan ka. Minsan lang talaga wala ka nang masabi. Hahaha. Mejo irrelevant na to kasi bigla lang pumasok sa stream of consciousness ko. Hahaha. Hindi na coherent ang utak ko kasi matagal na kong bipolar at ang aking nagtatalong pagkatao ay gusto ng ganto at gusto ng ganyan. Hindi naman issue sakin yung mismong to shift or not to shift. Ang issue sakin ay hindi ko alam kung saan ako magiging successful at magiging masaya. Dahil yun at yun ang pangarap ko sa buhay.

Minsan kailangan mo lang mag-summer. Minsan kailangan mo lang aminin sa taong mahal mo na mahal mo sila at nasasaktan ka na nila nang hindi nila namamalayan. (ok out of context)

Minsan isang araw... nagkaron ng period for break-ups.